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by Stephanie S. Smith

When my dad learned that my relationship with my boyfriend was entering “serious” territory, he only wanted to know one thing: Have you had a good fight?

He wasn’t hoping to see our relationship end up on the rocks; on the contrary, he wanted to be sure that we knew how to love and respect each other even when our interests were divided. He wanted to know that our love could survive the clash of differences two sinners in close quarters are bound to encounter. I’ve heard it so many times I could say it in my sleep: Conflict in marriage is a given. But it is your response to conflict that counts.

That was Conflict 101. When Zach asked my parents’ permission to marry me, my dad gave us the advanced rendition: every argument is potential for learning something new about your spouse. What makes this issue a hot button for him/her? What is the reason, the significance, behind his/her frustration? He told us a story of some friends when they were newlyweds to illustrate. She was raised in a what’s-mine-is-ours family, where possessions and boundaries overlapped between siblings; he was an only child accustomed to independence and privacy. On their honeymoon, he made a simple request of his new wife: please keep your hairbrush off my dresser. She was crushed; why did he want to draw such a harsh line between them? He was shocked at her tearful response: why did she have to be so sensitive? My dad advised us to fight not to win, but to learn.

Fast forward twelve months: perhaps it is ironic that, fresh from our honeymoon, I am reading a book about marital conflict. Not because Zach and I aren’t enjoying ourselves; we love being married and starting out our new life together. And not because I’m cynical, just waiting for the butterflies to be shot down by life’s demanding realities. I am reading Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict Without Losing at Love because I know I am human, I married a human, and I don’t want to be caught by surprise.

Written by Tim and Joy Downs, Fight Fair compares conflict in marriage as “a game without rules” and uses this athletic analogy as a running theme throughout the book. [10] The couple explains, “It may sound strange to speak of conflict as a ‘game,’ but in a sense it is. Every marital agreement has two players, a starting point, a finish line…There are winners and losers too-though in this game, unlike most, both players can win or both can lose.” [11]

I confess, as a newlywed, I cringe a little at the mention of fouls and penalties as applied to marriage. Frankly, I dislike hearing of any similarity between this sacred covenant and a wrestling ring. Yet even I know that no one can transcend all tension, and the Downs provide insight to equip couples to face conflict as it arises and come out stronger together on the other end. It is this focus that encourages me: “Conflict is not a war against your mate but a battle for intimacy.” [27] In other words, you can make a fight work for you if that’s where your heart is. Rather than just being exhausted by tiffs and spats, fighting fair can produce benefits for your marriage.

Tim and Joy name these benefits in their chapter, “The Object of the Game”: enhanced understanding of each other, renewed intimacy, and removal of resentment due to unaddressed issues. When a husband and wife are committed to these goals, they are more willing to overlook offenses and quicker to forgive all for the sake of the relationship. And this way, even in the midst of an argument both husband and wife can be assured that the fact no one has run out of the room yet expresses concern and commitment to resolution.

Zach will often remind me of this, saying, “I’m not saying this to blame you or make you feel criticized, I am trying to make sure we understand each other correctly.” These words make me feel loved and cared for, and suddenly, I am reminded that we are on the same team. We are not at odds fighting against each other, but fighting together, sharing in the same purpose of restoring the relationship. Throughout the book, Tim and Joy encourage the reader to develop their own “rules” for fighting on the same team, and I am beginning to realize the advantage of being intentional about conflict rather than just dealing with it as it comes up.

While some disagreements may yield intimacy, some are not worth having. I appreciate that the Downs make this distinction, “In marriage we all need the wisdom to know the difference between a serious offense and a minor faux pas. Treating every slight or snub as a conflict requiring discussion and resolution would be exhausting.” [36] I am still a novice at what I consider to be the art of letting the little things go. But I’ve found Tim and Joy’s counsel to be true: often the only difference between intimacy and conflict is my own attitude.

Echoing my father’s advice, Tim and Joy write, “When it comes to achieving peace in marriage, the only real failure is to no longer make the attempt.” [142]. Cognitively we may know that it takes effort to make a marriage grow, but we struggle to follow through on this principle. Fight Fair is an effective field guide offering psychological insight and practical solutions for men and women who want Christ to be reflected in their marriage. If you’re like me, you’ll find yourself laughing with recognition at some of Tim and Joy’s real-life examples and learning about yourself through their analysis of different types of communication, conflict, and apology.

No one wants their marriage to be a combat pit, and while it may be tempting at times to call foul and keep score, a marriage will be at its brightest and best when governed by grace.

by Steph Martin

As busy moms we tend to get caught up in our children’s lives putting all of our energy into that, but you also need to remember that there is someone else in your life that craves some one-on-one time with you, and that is your husband. We, as moms, tend to put all of our energy into planning everyone’s day, making sure everyone makes it to their intended destinations, is picked up, fed, bathed, put to bed, and the house is clean, but we forget to save a little of that energy for our husband. I know that this is the last thing that you want to hear, but hear me out. You not only need to make the time to spend with your husband, but you HAVE to. Remember back to when it was just the two of you, before children, and how much you enjoyed spending time together and just being together. Just because you have children does not mean that you can never have that again. I am here to tell you that you can! But, you really have to make an effort. Here are a few things for you to try:

* Make the kids dinner and put them to bed early. Then, make dinner for you and your husband. It can be the same thing the kids have but spice it up a bit with a pretty tablecloth and a couple of candles. Bring out the “good” dishes and use them. This can make even the simplest dish feel fancy and romantic. Spend time just talking and catching up on each other’s day. Who knows where that will lead?

* Plan a day where you both go for a walk or even go out for dinner together and have someone else watch the kids. Better yet, plan a day where you can both be home while the kids will be at school and just spend time at home. Plan a nice meal and watch that movie that you’ve been wanting to watch but have not had the time.

* Spend time just talking. Sit out on the porch after the kids are in bed each night and just talk. You will be surprised what you can find to talk about that does not pertain to your children. Remember you used to do this before you had children and you can do it again.

* Pick up a card at the store and his favorite candy and lay on his night stand or pillow, or even slip it into his lunch box when he’s not looking. When he finds it, he will know that you are thinking of him and that you love him.

Now, please don’t think that I am perfect and do all of these things all of the time. I am preaching to the choir here. I am just like every mom out there and tend to get wrapped up in daily living and forget the small things, too. But, I can tell you that when I do forget to spend time with my husband, it does show in our relationship. In the same way, when we do take the time to make time to spend together, it also shows. I am very blessed to be married to my best friend for 16 years now, and I pray that God will grant us many more years together. I can honestly say that we are still very much in love and very happily married, but it’s only because we have learned over time to make sure that we take time out for us. No, this is not selfish. It is what helps to strengthen our relationship as husband and wife as well as in mother and father to our children. We try to show our children how important it is in a marriage to make sure that we take time out for each other. They see how much we love each other and how that love spreads to them, because they see that we care enough about each other to make sure that we keep communication lines open between us which helps us to keep communication lines open to them as well.

Just like your kitchen is the heart of your home, the love that you share with your husband, which should be second only to God, is also the heart and soul of your family. The love that you demonstrate to each other is the love that your children will demonstrate to others.

Stephanie Martin is a work-at-home-mom of 2 daughters and 1 son, and the owner and publisher of Busy Moms Online, a site with information for busy moms, and My Country Haven, a blog documenting her family’s life living on a farm and their frugal journey of remaining debt free while becoming more self-sufficient.

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